Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish

To be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.



Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead

politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.



Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in

running up the bills.



If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one

Of the following:





Bloody Mary,



Margarita,



Scotch and soda,



Martini,



Vodka and Tonic,



steak,



lobster or crab legs,



the remote control,



bowl of ice cream,



the sports page,



chocolate,



or sex





...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.



When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed

Person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it

a day.



At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to

come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their

glasses to toast the good times we have had.





Signature: ___________________________



Date: ___________________________





I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The

patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

Ghetto Spellin' Bee

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Further ing your education with Today's Ebonic word:

Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Welfare Office

A guy walks in2 the local welfare office, marches straight up 2 the Counter & says, Hi... u know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "ur timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard 4 his nymphomaniac daughter. u'll have 2 drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of ur clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will b provided. u'll b expected 2 escort her on her overseas holiday trips. u will have 2 satisfy her sexual urges."u'll have a 2-bedroom loft in Manhattan & the starting salary is $200K a year." The guy says, "u're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, u started it." =))

El Vaquero

El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, are Camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both are soon asleep. Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend. "Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, señor."

"What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me There are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, senor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says, "Chilito, you Moron, Someone has stolen our tent."

Psychiatric Hotline

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Drinking Buddies

Chuckle: 2 married buddies r out drinking 1 night when 1 turns 2 the other & says, "U know, I don't know what else 2 do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off be4 I get 2 the driveway. I shut off the engine & coast in2 the garage. I take my shoes off before I go in2 the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet & p down my leg 2 prevent splashing sounds. I ease in2 bed & my wife STILL wakes up & yells at me 4 staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him & says,"Well, u're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech in2 the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump in2 bed, slap her on the ass & shout,"WHO'S HORNY"..." & she acts like she is asleep every time! =))

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."