"Friendship" Poem

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always-sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask; because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.... that was fun!"

Redneck Drivers License Application

Last Name: ___________________

First Name : (check appropriate box)
___Billy –Bob
___Billy-Joe
___Billy-Ray
___Billy-Sue
___Billy-Mae
___Billy-Jack
___Other

What does everyone call you?
___Booger
___Bubba
___Buddy
___Junior
___Sissy
___Other

Age:___(If unsure, guess)

Sex:___Yes ___No

Shoe Size:___Left ___Right

Occupation:
___Farmer
___Mechanic
___Hair Dresser
___Unemployed
___Dirty Politician
___Preacher

Spouse’s Name:__________
2nd Spouse’s Name:___________
3rd Spouse’s Name:_____________
Lover’s Name:___________

:

Relationship with Spouse:
___Sister
___Brother
___Aunt
___Uncle
___Niece
___Nephew
___Cousin
___Mother
___Father
___Son
___Daughter
___Pet

Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed:___
Number that are yours:___

Mother’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you ___own or ___rent your mobile home:

Check appropriate box:
___Total number of vehicles you own
___Number of vehicles that still crank
___Number of vehicles in front yard
___Number of vehicles in back yard
___Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
___truck
___bedroom
___bathroom
___kitchen
___bath

Model and year of your pickup:_____________ 196_

Do you have a gun rack: Yes___ No___ If no explain whyl
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
___The National Enquirer
___The Globe
___TV Guide
___Soap Opera Digest
___Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO___

How often do you bathe?
___Weekly
___Monthly
___Not applicable

Color of eyes:
Left___ Right___

Color of hair:
___Blond
___Black
___Red
___Brown
___White
___Clairol
___Don’t know

Color of Teeth:
___Yellow
___Brownish-Yellow
___Brown
___Black
___N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
___Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
___1 mile
___2 miles
___Just a whoop and a hollar
___Road?

In The Beginning.....

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populatedthe Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthylives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and KrispyCreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said"Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figurethat Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugarfrom the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons andgarlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oilin which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so bigit needed its own platter. Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained moreweight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," andsaid "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose thoseextra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have totoil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before theflickering blue light and gained pounds. Then

God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimmingwith nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centerinto chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories andstill satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em."And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Some Chuckles

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What didhe say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole, afterwards.

Acting Religious

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said, "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.

"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...