Redneck Jokes

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2004 Version)

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon is also a small engine repair shop.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.


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Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Texan and Okie... jokes... you know you're in Southern California when:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt any TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."

18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy (the boss) himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the 300 weather-related accidents.

21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

22. The Terminator is your governor