Chuckle: 2 married buddies r out drinking 1 night when 1 turns 2 the other & says, "U know, I don't know what else 2 do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off be4 I get 2 the driveway. I shut off the engine & coast in2 the garage. I take my shoes off before I go in2 the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet & p down my leg 2 prevent splashing sounds. I ease in2 bed & my wife STILL wakes up & yells at me 4 staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him & says,"Well, u're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech in2 the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump in2 bed, slap her on the ass & shout,"WHO'S HORNY"..." & she acts like she is asleep every time! =))
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Social Security
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Some Good Kid Stories
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY." " Can I have a drink of water??"
" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie," She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY." " Can I have a drink of water??"
" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie," She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Computer Gender
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. e.g."House"is feminine -"la maison", "Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer,the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
(no chuckling guys .. this gets better!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer,the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
(no chuckling guys .. this gets better!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A Cowboy
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, " says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.......Now give me back my dog.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" "GOD BLESS AMERICA"
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, " says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.......Now give me back my dog.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" "GOD BLESS AMERICA"
Embarrassing First Date
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off". Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off". Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Health Plans
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when during her tour, she passed by a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!" Screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry...but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rapture.
"Oh...well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room, they could see that a nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my God!!! How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "same illness, better health plan."
"Oh my God!" Screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry...but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rapture.
"Oh...well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room, they could see that a nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my God!!! How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "same illness, better health plan."
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
The Pharmacist
A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license!"
Then the lady reached into her purse, pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to him.. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license!"
Then the lady reached into her purse, pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to him.. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Ancient Japanese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Redneck Jokes
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2004 Version)
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon is also a small engine repair shop.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
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Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Texan and Okie... jokes... you know you're in Southern California when:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt any TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."
18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy (the boss) himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the 300 weather-related accidents.
21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
22. The Terminator is your governor
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon is also a small engine repair shop.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Texan and Okie... jokes... you know you're in Southern California when:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt any TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."
18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy (the boss) himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the 300 weather-related accidents.
21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
22. The Terminator is your governor
Monday, October 13, 2003
"Friendship" Poem
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always-sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask; because you are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.... that was fun!"
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask; because you are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.... that was fun!"
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Redneck Drivers License Application
Last Name: ___________________
First Name : (check appropriate box)
___Billy –Bob
___Billy-Joe
___Billy-Ray
___Billy-Sue
___Billy-Mae
___Billy-Jack
___Other
What does everyone call you?
___Booger
___Bubba
___Buddy
___Junior
___Sissy
___Other
Age:___(If unsure, guess)
Sex:___Yes ___No
Shoe Size:___Left ___Right
Occupation:
___Farmer
___Mechanic
___Hair Dresser
___Unemployed
___Dirty Politician
___Preacher
Spouse’s Name:__________
2nd Spouse’s Name:___________
3rd Spouse’s Name:_____________
Lover’s Name:___________
:
Relationship with Spouse:
___Sister
___Brother
___Aunt
___Uncle
___Niece
___Nephew
___Cousin
___Mother
___Father
___Son
___Daughter
___Pet
Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed:___
Number that are yours:___
Mother’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ___own or ___rent your mobile home:
Check appropriate box:
___Total number of vehicles you own
___Number of vehicles that still crank
___Number of vehicles in front yard
___Number of vehicles in back yard
___Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
___truck
___bedroom
___bathroom
___kitchen
___bath
Model and year of your pickup:_____________ 196_
Do you have a gun rack: Yes___ No___ If no explain whyl
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
___The National Enquirer
___The Globe
___TV Guide
___Soap Opera Digest
___Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO___
How often do you bathe?
___Weekly
___Monthly
___Not applicable
Color of eyes:
Left___ Right___
Color of hair:
___Blond
___Black
___Red
___Brown
___White
___Clairol
___Don’t know
Color of Teeth:
___Yellow
___Brownish-Yellow
___Brown
___Black
___N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
___Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
___1 mile
___2 miles
___Just a whoop and a hollar
___Road?
First Name : (check appropriate box)
___Billy –Bob
___Billy-Joe
___Billy-Ray
___Billy-Sue
___Billy-Mae
___Billy-Jack
___Other
What does everyone call you?
___Booger
___Bubba
___Buddy
___Junior
___Sissy
___Other
Age:___(If unsure, guess)
Sex:___Yes ___No
Shoe Size:___Left ___Right
Occupation:
___Farmer
___Mechanic
___Hair Dresser
___Unemployed
___Dirty Politician
___Preacher
Spouse’s Name:__________
2nd Spouse’s Name:___________
3rd Spouse’s Name:_____________
Lover’s Name:___________
:
Relationship with Spouse:
___Sister
___Brother
___Aunt
___Uncle
___Niece
___Nephew
___Cousin
___Mother
___Father
___Son
___Daughter
___Pet
Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed:___
Number that are yours:___
Mother’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name__________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ___own or ___rent your mobile home:
Check appropriate box:
___Total number of vehicles you own
___Number of vehicles that still crank
___Number of vehicles in front yard
___Number of vehicles in back yard
___Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
___truck
___bedroom
___bathroom
___kitchen
___bath
Model and year of your pickup:_____________ 196_
Do you have a gun rack: Yes___ No___ If no explain whyl
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
___The National Enquirer
___The Globe
___TV Guide
___Soap Opera Digest
___Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO___
How often do you bathe?
___Weekly
___Monthly
___Not applicable
Color of eyes:
Left___ Right___
Color of hair:
___Blond
___Black
___Red
___Brown
___White
___Clairol
___Don’t know
Color of Teeth:
___Yellow
___Brownish-Yellow
___Brown
___Black
___N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
___Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
___1 mile
___2 miles
___Just a whoop and a hollar
___Road?
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
In The Beginning.....
God created the Heavens and the Earth and populatedthe Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthylives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and KrispyCreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said"Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figurethat Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugarfrom the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons andgarlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oilin which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so bigit needed its own platter. Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained moreweight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," andsaid "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose thoseextra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have totoil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before theflickering blue light and gained pounds. Then
God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimmingwith nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centerinto chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories andstill satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em."And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and KrispyCreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said"Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figurethat Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugarfrom the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons andgarlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oilin which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so bigit needed its own platter. Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained moreweight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," andsaid "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose thoseextra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have totoil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before theflickering blue light and gained pounds. Then
God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimmingwith nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centerinto chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories andstill satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em."And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Some Chuckles
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.รข€ The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What didhe say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole, afterwards.
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.รข€ The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What didhe say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole, afterwards.
Friday, February 07, 2003
Acting Religious
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said, "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said, "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
Sunday, April 21, 2002
Dentist Drilling
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
Thursday, March 28, 2002
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
Monday, March 25, 2002
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.
Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, butyou have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chuggingis only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the french fries from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfumereminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being lateand has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get theremnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generatesaliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, butyou have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chuggingis only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the french fries from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfumereminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being lateand has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get theremnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generatesaliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
Sunday, January 27, 2002
Things I've Learned
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than obtain permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23 Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than obtain permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23 Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Sunday, August 26, 2001
The Dot
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came....
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!"
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came....
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!"
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